Warning: This is gonna be a long one. So I've got to break it up into four posts. That's how difficult, yet rewarding this season was.
Please bare with me as you read about this year- I'm being completely transparent here... holding nothing back. so there might be things that are completely uncomfortable to read about- but its my story and if something I've gone through can be a source of encouragement to someone out there then its all worth it-To God be the glory!
This year was brutal to say the least. The struggles, trials and very difficult circumstances we had experienced, took us to depths I never thought we'd face. Every aspect of our lives at one point was turned upside down.
At times, my faith waivered and I questioned God's goodness and wondered how this could possibly be His plan for my life. I cried more than I'd like to admit and I even lost myself for a while. I isolated myself and it was a very lonely place. A place I never want to see again.
Thankfully, the Lord was faithful even when I was not. I'm so thankful for God's grace and mercy to carry us through a very challenging and difficult season. Through this, my eyes have been opened to see how God uses these times in the wilderness to build our character.
I know God has used this season full of frustration to help me grow in ways I wouldn't have otherwise. I am still a reluctant convert to patience and trust. But I am thankful God is patient with me, even when I am not patient with God.
Here's where it begun
At the beginning of December, 2013, I started preparing my heart and asking the Lord to reveal to me the word for the upcoming year.
Perseverance was the word that came to me. But, I denied it. That one was too hard. So I waited until God would reveal another word to me. (ha, as if ;) )
Well just a few short weeks later, on Dec. 15th, I was in a car accident. This mishap completely changed my world. Thankfully, there was minimal injuries, but the damage done to my wheelchair van was extensive. ($17,000 worth)
At this point it was very clear to me that my word for 2014 was in fact perseverance.
Perseverance, hmm.... what is that exactly? So I looked up the definition.
Perseverance- Steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
Oh boy, the Lord was really laying one on me this year with that kind of word... but ok.. Let's do this!
Anyway, after a 6 week long battle with the insurance company, they decided to repair my vehicle instead of totaling it out.This was huge, because there was no way we would have been able to afford a new one. So thankful for the Lords provision.
So my vehicle went in for repairs. That means I was stuck in the house. There was no way for me to get my wheelchair any where (this sucker weighs a ton!)I do have a push wheelchair, but to get me in an out of the car and into someone's house was very difficult. so during the time that my vehicle was in the shop which was about 5 months, I was pretty much a shut in.
Meanwhile, in January, we really had a scare with Adam. He suffered a T.I.A (mini stroke).
He was at the store with Quincy and called me asking for prayer as he didn't know what was happening to him. He said he had blind spots in his eyes and words were hard to form. Yet, at the same time he proceeded to read me the ingredients to a salad dressing??? When I asked him why he was doing that, he said I don't know, I need help. Immediately, I started looking up his symptoms and everything told me to get him to the hospital NOW!!! so I had my sister pick him up and take him to IMC emergency. After a series of tests, it was confirmed he had a mini stroke caused from Atrial Fibrillation and high cholesterol (we've always known that, it's hereditary) and they kept him overnight for observation. He started medication to thin his blood and a few weeks later, he had a T-cardio version. Which is a procedure to shock his heart back into rhythm. Praise the Lord, the procedure was successful!! Adams heart was back to pumping normal. Phew!
One week later, after Adams procedure, I started a new medical treatment. Low dose chemo with Rituxin. (talk about a stressful time) But, I really was hopeful that this was going to be something that would jump start my immune system to allow my body to heal.
At the time, we also started a new diet- Paleo. In our minds we really wanted to be disciplined and succeed on this... we've been encouraged to do the Paleo diet for years to change the course of our health so we thought we'd give it a shot. But it really was hard. The kids did it for maybe 2 weeks and then they had it.. so we started slacking and then boom... diet failed. we might have been on it for a month. SMH! Maybe that's partly why I did completely amazing during the 4 weeks of treatment. Really no side effects. I had good energy and a good attitude! But, this was short lived, about 3 weeks after, I hit a wall. The m.s was the worst it's ever been. I felt like I was in an ongoing relapse for months on end. I won't share the details of every mishap cause it pretty much was every day, but this was a very challenging and trying time for us.
I lost all of my independence for a while I had to have others help me do even the most menial of tasks. Therefore, emotionally, I was a mess too. I wondered who I was any more. I lost myself. My days pretty much consisted of going to the bathroom at least 15 times a day because I lost all bladder control and then being stuck there for up to an hour each time cause I had no energy to get up.
I was completely defeated and I truly didn't understand how this was part of Gods ultimate plan for my life.I knew that the Lord has been faithful in the past so he wasn't going to leave me now, but I sure had a hard time understanding.
I was on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I would wake up, full of energy and ready to tackle the day. I'd do my morning studies, ready for God to use me in any way He sees fit, then I'd have to go to the bathroom and I would fall on the ground.... op, defeated and crying the rest of the day.
This was almost a daily ritual and it was wearing on all of us. I'm beyond thankful for my husband and all the things he's done for me. But I could tell he was defeated as well. I can't imagine the turmoil that a partner / caregiver goes through. As a man he wants to be able to fix everything- make everything all better. But so many times I heard him say I don't know what to do- I feel helpless. And we would cry out to God together, completely broken just for a glimpse of hope.
On top of the turmoil we were facing, I was consumed with feelings of guilt.
I felt like a patient instead of a wife and a mother. I was no longer able to contribute to help with anything around the house or the physical care for our children. This was not how I envisioned our life together.
The enemy had me right where he wanted me. I was Lifeless, defeated and questioning Gods goodness. Anyway I turned, resistance was there. I even started getting defeated just from reading God's Word and reading His promises- feeling as if they weren't for me. Sad to say, I withdrew from God- not closer. But even in this dark, dismal place, I could feel God's presence with me telling me to not give up ( perseverance) and I was reminded that "He that is in me is greater than he who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)
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