Walking Free
I had a weakness and a stronghold that I was allowing to take root in my heart- I was consumed with un forgiveness, anger, resentment and bitterness toward many people and many areas of my life. I harbored this in my heart for many years, even after coming to the saving knowledge of Christ and dedicating my life to Him.
I kept asking the Lord to take this from me but He couldn't because I held onto it so tight (with a closed fist) I wasn’t allowing Him to. I wasn't giving it to Him.
Here is my brief story of struggling with un forgiveness and being set free to walk in love.
Preface
I grew up in Utah my whole life. My parents were divorced when I was 3. My mom had remarried, and I grew up in a blended household. We had a very dysfunctional home. Lots of fighting and arguments, stress and lack of peace. I hated being home. So during my years as a teenager I was very rebellious and wasn't home much to avoid the dysfunction at all costs. which started my downward spiral into disobedience altogether. To plainly put it- I was a terrible teenager! Bad grades, sneaking out, running away from home, shoplifting, drinking, sex..... the list goes on. I had a hard life but I allowed myself to go there looking to the lusts of the flesh ("worldly desires") to mask the pain and fill the void in my heart- which only God can fill!
My Father was in my life, which I am very thankful for. He was saved when I was in the third grade so he actually introduced me to Jesus, but I really never wanted to accept the gift of salvation.... Gods way was too hard and boring. I had my own agenda. I pretty much viewed God as a self-help genie. I only prayed to Him when I needed Him to get me out of a bind, and when He wouldn't answer me the way I thought He should- I would get frustrated and angry with Him. I tried to read the bible ( thinking it might earn me some brownie points to manipulate Him into giving me what I wanted) but I couldn't understand what I was reading and the little that I could comprehend seemed to me like He expected the impossible from us. So pretty much God was just too hard to please. Boy, did I have a distorted view.
In 1993, when I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. A disease that was foreign to me. I had many symptoms: slurred speech, double vision, trouble walking, trouble swallowing, memory loss and numbness and tingling.
At the time I was the second youngest to ever be diagnosed so I went through an array of studies and tests which resulted in a variety of drug therapies. 17 to be exact; which caused many side effects.
I had a long road of ups and downs dealing with this new found disease, a rocky home life and a troubled adolescence. Therefore, I was in a severe depression most of my teenage years.
At the time I was the second youngest to ever be diagnosed so I went through an array of studies and tests which resulted in a variety of drug therapies. 17 to be exact; which caused many side effects.
I had a long road of ups and downs dealing with this new found disease, a rocky home life and a troubled adolescence. Therefore, I was in a severe depression most of my teenage years.
That same year (at the age of 14) I met this cute boy named Adam. ;) We dated all through high school- he was the Quarterback and I was head cheerleader awww.. but there was lots of drama. After high school, he went away to California to college (even more drama as you can imagine) But we stuck it out.
We had been dating for 6 years and at the age of 20- we found out I was pregnant... he proposed...and two weeks later I had a miscarriage. This truly was heartbreaking and we really had a hard time with this loss and even considered calling off the marriage as we were pretty young- but We stayed engaged for a little over a year and got married in the year 2000 at the age of 21.
We had been dating for 6 years and at the age of 20- we found out I was pregnant... he proposed...and two weeks later I had a miscarriage. This truly was heartbreaking and we really had a hard time with this loss and even considered calling off the marriage as we were pretty young- but We stayed engaged for a little over a year and got married in the year 2000 at the age of 21.
We were young and didn't really consider all that we had gone through during these "dating" years and were very careless. But these years would come to bring much pain to me during my adulthood- most of where my un forgiveness and bitterness came from.
My journey to Salvation and Forgiveness
At the time we got married, we both were attending church but truly weren't saved. We were "playing church" I was only giving God part of my life- like Sundays. My behavior was not the same Monday through Saturday. While attending bible study one Wednesday evening in 2001, Pastor Terry said straight up " stop playing church. You need to be the same person on Monday as you are on Sunday" Well, I knew he was talking right to me- God could see my hypocrisy and I decided that night I was going to give God all of my life, not just part of it. Amazingly, so did my husband- that same night! God is so good!
At the time, we were living with Adam's parents while we were building our first house (we've moved 14 times during our 14 years of marriage...but that's a story in itself!) and all we would talk about was Jesus! We used to sit around the table every night discussing how amazing God was. We were amazed how He opened our eyes and heart to see the world differently. We could understand the bible- it was coming to life for us. We were in awe that every time we had a question the Lord would answer us like the very next day (usually through Greg Laurie's morning program while driving to work) It was completely amazing! So within a couple of months the Cunningham family was saved and we all had a new outlook on life! Praise the Lord!
We were on fire for the Lord! We jumped into serving at the church full time. Adam actually left his job and was hired on staff at the church and we both were trainers for the Childrens Ministry. We served as leaders both Wednesday and all 3 services on Sunday. We were growing in our knowledge of the Lord and our church family meant the world to us. We were loved regardless of where we've been in life.
I'm so thankful we don't have to clean up our act before coming to Christ. It was a love I have never felt before.
I'm so thankful we don't have to clean up our act before coming to Christ. It was a love I have never felt before.
Being in the Childrens Ministry, we wanted one of our own to raise up in the Lord. So in the year 2002, after much prayer, we had our first child, Macoy at the age of 24. He was totally a God send and answer to our prayers.
We were still serving in the Childrens Ministry full time after Macoy was born and it became a little hectic. We started to get burned out. We also started noticing the more time Macoy spent in the nursery the more sick He got... or so it seemed. (Satans bait to lure us away)
We stopped going to church as frequently and serving less and less. But, before we knew it, we were not going at all.
We started letting little things slip back into our lives and before long we were as far away from God as we were before we got saved.
We backslid big time...for many years.
We stopped going to church as frequently and serving less and less. But, before we knew it, we were not going at all.
We started letting little things slip back into our lives and before long we were as far away from God as we were before we got saved.
We backslid big time...for many years.
During this time, in 2005, my m.s took a turn and I was having a relapse at least once every three months. I was starting to experience some real cognitive problems. Therefore, my Dr. wanted me to stop working and apply for disability as the stress I was under at work was too much for me to handle and it was taking a toll on my body.
Sadly, I was denied 3 times due to my age in about a year and a halfs time and we just couldn't afford for me to not work anymore. So we discussed it and decided I should try to go back to work on a part time basis. So I reached out to my former employer and they hired me back on part time.
I was very thankful, but I went back to the same stressful job dealing with loans in Foreclosure that once again wreaked havoc on my health.
I was back to work for only 9 months when the long awaited letter arrived in the mail. I received a letter stating my disability case has been scheduled for a hearing with the Judge. I was shocked!! I pretty much had given up on it at this point, but I thought what the heck I might as well go with all the new documentation of my health and how trying to go back to work only made things worse.
well about 15 minutes into our court session I was awarded disability after the judge reviewed my case and medical history.
It was May, 2006. I actually was pregnant with our second child, Quincy, and what was about to transpire over the next couple months would send me into a whirlwind.....
Sadly, I was denied 3 times due to my age in about a year and a halfs time and we just couldn't afford for me to not work anymore. So we discussed it and decided I should try to go back to work on a part time basis. So I reached out to my former employer and they hired me back on part time.
I was very thankful, but I went back to the same stressful job dealing with loans in Foreclosure that once again wreaked havoc on my health.
I was back to work for only 9 months when the long awaited letter arrived in the mail. I received a letter stating my disability case has been scheduled for a hearing with the Judge. I was shocked!! I pretty much had given up on it at this point, but I thought what the heck I might as well go with all the new documentation of my health and how trying to go back to work only made things worse.
well about 15 minutes into our court session I was awarded disability after the judge reviewed my case and medical history.
It was May, 2006. I actually was pregnant with our second child, Quincy, and what was about to transpire over the next couple months would send me into a whirlwind.....
With having m.s I had a scheduled c-section set in July. Trying to get ready for our new arrival we bought a house in Layton. We moved in just one week before my due date. (probably not the best idea) But, our very first night in our new home, Macoy got very sick with the Roto Virus. If any of you know what this is, you know how sick our little boy was. He was sick the entire week that we were moving in trying to prepare the house for the baby and get settled.
Needless to say, the day I was supposed to go in for the c-section, Macoy was dealing with major dehydration and was almost admitted to Primary Childrens. Thankfully, he made it through and didn't need to be admitted. So we decided to go through with the C-section.
That day we welcomed our beautiful little princess, Quincy into this world. Everything went well with the surgery and she was a healthy baby girl. I was in the hospital for 4 days recovering from the c section.
During this time, Macoy spent the weekend at Grandma and Grandpas and was doing well. He seemed to be recovering, (or so we thought.) We missed him dearly and couldn't wait to go home and settle into our new house with both our precious children and relax for a minute.
Needless to say, the day I was supposed to go in for the c-section, Macoy was dealing with major dehydration and was almost admitted to Primary Childrens. Thankfully, he made it through and didn't need to be admitted. So we decided to go through with the C-section.
That day we welcomed our beautiful little princess, Quincy into this world. Everything went well with the surgery and she was a healthy baby girl. I was in the hospital for 4 days recovering from the c section.
During this time, Macoy spent the weekend at Grandma and Grandpas and was doing well. He seemed to be recovering, (or so we thought.) We missed him dearly and couldn't wait to go home and settle into our new house with both our precious children and relax for a minute.
Well, the night we came home from the hospital, the Roto Virus came on again full force and Macoy was sicker than ever. I was running up and down the stairs, washing sheets, would bathe him and put him back to bed- then minutes later the cycle started all over again. I had a baby downstairs crying.. so I'd run down there to take care of her hearing Macoy screaming in pain upstairs with Adam. He ended up putting him to bed in our bed with him and then threw up all over those sheets- it was coming out of both ends non stop. This was just too much. So we ended up making him a bed in the bathtub and Adam stayed in there with him the rest of the night.
I was a wreck.I just got home from the hospital recovering from a c section, have a new baby and am completely sleep deprived and my poor boy was sick as a dog. :(
This was a trying time, and I questioned where God was. I remember falling on my knees, hands in the air, sobbing, pleading with God to have mercy on us.
Over the next few days Macoy recovered fully and we were desperate for some rest. ..but rest was far from arriving. Just One week later, I came down with Mastitis. I had a fever of 104.2, I was almost completely blind, and I couldn't walk. So, the ambulance had to come get me and I already had to call on my lovely new neighbors (whom we only knew for 2 weeks at this point) to come watch my kids til family could arrive.
Wow! If this wasn't enough just two weeks after that, Quincy ended up at Primary Childrens Hospital with a high fever. She was in there for a week being tested and treated for everything.
As her mother, I could not leave her side. She was my precious baby.... so I stayed with her. But as you all know, you don't sleep in the hospital.
Thankfully, after about a week she started to recover, and was released without any real conclusive diagnosis other than a common cold that kept her fever up and her oxygen saturation low.
I was a wreck.I just got home from the hospital recovering from a c section, have a new baby and am completely sleep deprived and my poor boy was sick as a dog. :(
This was a trying time, and I questioned where God was. I remember falling on my knees, hands in the air, sobbing, pleading with God to have mercy on us.
Over the next few days Macoy recovered fully and we were desperate for some rest. ..but rest was far from arriving. Just One week later, I came down with Mastitis. I had a fever of 104.2, I was almost completely blind, and I couldn't walk. So, the ambulance had to come get me and I already had to call on my lovely new neighbors (whom we only knew for 2 weeks at this point) to come watch my kids til family could arrive.
Wow! If this wasn't enough just two weeks after that, Quincy ended up at Primary Childrens Hospital with a high fever. She was in there for a week being tested and treated for everything.
As her mother, I could not leave her side. She was my precious baby.... so I stayed with her. But as you all know, you don't sleep in the hospital.
Thankfully, after about a week she started to recover, and was released without any real conclusive diagnosis other than a common cold that kept her fever up and her oxygen saturation low.
well, by this point I'm past tired. I Pretty much entered survival mode.... and we weren't done yet. I ended up having a full blown relapse with the m.s from all the stress we had been going through.... and this is what started my decline into the "pit of despair."
It started to consume me.
I literally felt as if I was going crazy. The stress I was under was more than I could bare. The weight of the world was crumbling down on me so I returned to the "lusts of the flesh" to mask the pain.
Drinking was a way for me to put away what I was feeling inside. But the drinking was associated with a lot of painful memories from the past. So it brought on a whole new set of problems on its own. I would play events over and over in my mind, and after awhile I stopped praying, reading the bible and pretty much turned my back to the things of God. I was falling into the trap of self pity. Right where the enemy wanted me. This pit brought out all the un forgiveness, bitterness, resentment, guilt and hatred that I still had in my heart. I was having a full blown pity party and I was the only guest. Sadly, I stayed here for about 4 years....just allowing myself to go deeper and deeper into the pit.
After awhile, I knew I couldn't stay in the pit any longer. I got fed up and was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I didn't like who I was becoming so I finally said enough is enough.
I held my head up high and was determined to do whatever I could to get back to my old, but better than ever self. I was going to try to become the best person I could be. I was going to start eating better, working out, being a better mother, better wife etc. I thought by feeling better about myself, it would allow me to let go of my insecurities and that in return would conquer the bitterness, resentment and guilt I was feeling.
But in reality, I was trying to please man, exalting myself. Not looking to God for his help in anyway.
I held my head up high and was determined to do whatever I could to get back to my old, but better than ever self. I was going to try to become the best person I could be. I was going to start eating better, working out, being a better mother, better wife etc. I thought by feeling better about myself, it would allow me to let go of my insecurities and that in return would conquer the bitterness, resentment and guilt I was feeling.
But in reality, I was trying to please man, exalting myself. Not looking to God for his help in anyway.
in 2008, I started seeing signs of the m.s getting worse. I started to develop foot drop and soon to follow my right quad was paralyzed. I started losing bladder control and I was losing an enormous amount of weight. I got down to 106 pounds. I was sick. Really sick. At this time I was in between neurologists as my Dr had just retired so I was Dr. shopping and really had no help while I was going through all these changes.
I didn't pray... I was mad at God. Once again, I didn't understand why He would allow this when I was already in the pit dealing with so much already. My self-esteem was already at an all time low.... Now how was I going to pull my way out of it????
I didn't pray... I was mad at God. Once again, I didn't understand why He would allow this when I was already in the pit dealing with so much already. My self-esteem was already at an all time low.... Now how was I going to pull my way out of it????
In reality, I was trying to save myself without having God in the equation at all! When you're depending on your own strength instead of His, you're saying "okay God, I appreciate you're around but watch me do this" Depending on God for everything may seem difficult, but it's the key to the victory we need every single day of our lives!!!
I went into a severe depression. But it was in this place I finally was able to see my desperate need of a savior. I hit rock bottom. I was broken, lost and it took me to a place of humility to really take a look at myself.
This was my crisis moment that led me to the loving arms of Jesus. As I looked back at all we had been through, I realized God was allowing this for a reason and there was a greater purpose behind it all.
This was my crisis moment that led me to the loving arms of Jesus. As I looked back at all we had been through, I realized God was allowing this for a reason and there was a greater purpose behind it all.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
I really took a look at my life and where I was in my walk with the Lord..... I was in complete disobedience and was still expecting Gods blessings.
I started to recognize that this new disability was God trying to get my attention. My "shaking" moment to get my eyes off myself and back on Him to fully surrender all that was troubling my heart. Kinda like the story of Jacob wrestling with God. Read Genesis 32.
When you've dug yourself into a hole so deep, the only way out is up! Keep in mind that in the heat of your struggles the Holy Spirit is probably doing His greatest work in us. Romans 5:3 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character ; and character hope.
I realized that this disability came into my life as a way to rescue me. I am so thankful I saw what God was trying to do. He wanted me to get my focus back on Him so I could really have the freedom I was looking for.
By this time, I was drained and I desperately needed Gods help to let go and let Him work in my life! I needed to allow God to heal me and bring me to a place of forgiveness..... TRUE forgiveness.
I had all the head knowledge on how to do this, but my heart was definitely not in the right place. I knew that in order for me to even attempt to have forgiveness in my life I needed to get out of Utah where all the people and memories existed. Not as an escape to run away, but a place where I could be still before Him and focus all my attention on Him and my healing with no distractions.
I had all the head knowledge on how to do this, but my heart was definitely not in the right place. I knew that in order for me to even attempt to have forgiveness in my life I needed to get out of Utah where all the people and memories existed. Not as an escape to run away, but a place where I could be still before Him and focus all my attention on Him and my healing with no distractions.
Praise the Lord in April, 2010 a door opened for us to move to Florida. Adam was transferred for work out to Jacksonville. Moving to Florida was the best experience in my life. It allowed me the separation between my past to focus on the healing I needed to receive from God so I could move forward to forgive and love people the way He loves.
Over the coarse of a year, God really worked on humbling my heart to recognize my desperate need for Him. He dealt with me in my weaknesses and disobedience so I could free my heart to exercise forgiveness towards others. I had learned to walk in His ways and not my own selfishness and pity. For His ways are much better than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9)
I dug in deep and would study anything I could get my hands on regarding forgiveness. I also recognized my need to relinquish control over to Him. I read an amazing book by Lisa Bevere titled "Out of Control and Loving It" that was given to me by a dear sister in Christ. This book helped me see the Lords Sovereignty and that He has everything under control. Also as I was reading God spoke to my heart and asked me a very deep question that resonated with me.
"who are you trying to please? Man or Me?"
Wow- this hit me hard because I have always been a people pleaser. Always worried about what people thought of me. Always trying to win the approval and acceptance from others. This question changed my whole perspective of life.
When I realized the God of the Universe, who created everything and knows my deepest darkest secrets loves me endlessly, I conquered one of my biggest insecurities. I became transparent. If God could see all the ugly skeletons in my closet and still love me than why am I worried about people. I have nothing to hide... I'm an open book.
I had a huge breakthrough out there and a huge burden was lifted from me. I felt I had truly forgiven all the hurts from my past. But, I was walking in forgiveness from a distance.
"who are you trying to please? Man or Me?"
Wow- this hit me hard because I have always been a people pleaser. Always worried about what people thought of me. Always trying to win the approval and acceptance from others. This question changed my whole perspective of life.
When I realized the God of the Universe, who created everything and knows my deepest darkest secrets loves me endlessly, I conquered one of my biggest insecurities. I became transparent. If God could see all the ugly skeletons in my closet and still love me than why am I worried about people. I have nothing to hide... I'm an open book.
I had a huge breakthrough out there and a huge burden was lifted from me. I felt I had truly forgiven all the hurts from my past. But, I was walking in forgiveness from a distance.
Under many circumstances the Lord opened up the doors to come back to Utah. I was not ready to come back. I loved it there. But God placed it on my heart that I had to face my un forgiveness head on now. I had to show my forgiveness through love.
It was crazy, but during the first little while of being back, I was facing everything I held un forgiveness toward in the past. All the things that would cause offense in my heart was attacking me.
It was crazy, but during the first little while of being back, I was facing everything I held un forgiveness toward in the past. All the things that would cause offense in my heart was attacking me.
Satan knows our weaknesses and will try to steal our joy. (Eph 6:12)
I knew what he was up to so I was going to have the victory over this and not let these same offenses take root in my heart. So, every time I felt attacked, I would pray to Jesus to guard my heart and keep me from falling into the trap again. (James 4:7)
I knew what he was up to so I was going to have the victory over this and not let these same offenses take root in my heart. So, every time I felt attacked, I would pray to Jesus to guard my heart and keep me from falling into the trap again. (James 4:7)
Praise the Lord for He is my refuge and my strength- I do hold the victory and am free from offense!
Un forgiveness was a major form of bondage in my life so I feel I have found my purpose and that is to teach others what I have gone through and how freeing it is to let go an let God work in your life. There is power in forgiveness!
I am walking more free today than I have ever in my life................................and I'm in a wheelchair!
Un forgiveness was a major form of bondage in my life so I feel I have found my purpose and that is to teach others what I have gone through and how freeing it is to let go an let God work in your life. There is power in forgiveness!
I am walking more free today than I have ever in my life................................and I'm in a wheelchair!
Hey An-G
ReplyDeleteThis is Beautiful. Praise the Lord.
It is encouraging and brings so much hope. My past experiences have affected my children and I recognise some of the coping methods you used as being what they use. I know intellectually nothing is too hard for the Lord to bring them back to the Lord but you have experienced the Lord bringing you back in real life. It is so encouraging. I just know someone was praying for you as I pray for my girls.
Thank you.