It was now June. After a long and lonely winter, I was excited for warmer weather, sunshine and the wonderful company of my children. I was ready for Jesus to breath new life into me with the change of seasons.
About the second week in June, I finally got my van back! Yay! I was so thankful I would be able to start getting out of the house again! I had high hopes. Maybe this was gonna help me get out of the slump I was in.
A few weeks after getting the van back. I was determined to get out of the house and go do something fun.
So one Saturday afternoon while Adam and Quincy were at her softball game, ( unfortunately, I couldn't go to many games-the heat was just too much for me) I decided I would take it slow and just go over to the mall and take Macoy to a movie.
Sadly, Reality slapped me in the face quickly.
From the prolonged relapse I had through the winter, I had now developed footdrop in my right foot.
I truly didn't realize the impact of the relapse until I tried to drive that day.
I noticed right off the bat- just transferring from my wheelchair over to the driver seat was a chore. I literally didn't think I was going to be able to do it. But, I didn't want to let my son down- he was so looking forward to spending some time alone with just the two of us. So I pressed on.
It got scary real quick- just as I was rounding the corner by my house, I realized I could no longer move my foot from the gas pedal to the brake. I panicked and started praying.. and that still small voice came over me -take your foot off the gas. so I did and we coasted all the way over to the mall... I just hovered my foot over the break and used it when necessary. Not too many people were happy driving behind me in the parking lot but.......oh well.
We got to the movie safely. Phew!!
For a few hours I didn't have to worry about my limited mobility... just hoping I didn't pee my pants during the movie. ;) So, no drink for me.
We went to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman. Cute movie! It was really special for me to get to spend some alone time with my son and thankfully didn't have to go to the bathroom! victory! :)
The movie let out and as we were making our way to the van, fear started to well up in Macoys heart. He was scared how we were going to get home- as he knew how difficult it was for me to get there. ( to be honest, I was a little worried also)
But, I just told him that the Lord got us here safely so He's gonna get us home too. So before we left the parking lot we prayed together.
Amazingly, my right foot actually started working and I drove home with no problems! yippee! hallelujah! praise the Lord!!!
I'm so thankful we got home safely but I would never try that again! Too risky.
So once again, I was facing loss and change. I was coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever be able to drive again. I thought about hand controls- but at that time I had little or no mobility in my left arm and my left hand was clenched in so I didn't really see this as an option.
Cue tears. The roller coaster ride continues.
Here we are, the beginning of summer, when I should be out and about enjoying life with my family....
But still, I was stuck in the house with nowhere to go. I was really sad that I couldn't join my family to go to Quincy's All Star softball games, go to BBQs or picnics, couldn't even go to church for that matter.
Two main reasons: the heat and overactive bladder. Grrrrr.
Summer heat causes extreme fatigue to the point where I can't move. So it's like I'm just melting into my wheelchair.... and that's never any good-especially with overactive bladder which was still holding me hostage.
I could no longer get myself up off the toilet in a public restroom either.. Bless my dear husband. I don't know how many times he's come into the women's restroom to help me up. It was just getting unbearable... so it was just easier for me to stay home. :(
Facebook became my only contact with the outside world.
I loved seeing all your fun pictures of your exciting trips and adventures you all were having with friends and family. But at the same time, I couldn't help but envy the life that you all were living and feel bad for myself and the predicament I was in.
I desperately needed to get my mind right and repent. Even though I was not living the life I had intended, I was right where God needed me to be... but my faith was weak.I had been in a pretty dismal place, needing the prayers and encouragement from others... so often my facebook posts were about my desperation and my needs and many, many prayer requests.So a heartfelt thank to all of you who are faithful friends/family to me. Your encouragement helped pull me out of a slump several times over the year.
It was a rough summer. I cried too many tears to count, I pleaded with God really with no power and literally was a depressed mess.
After spending too much time in this dark place, I was determined to put an end to it. I cried out to God and asked for His guiding hand to lift me up out of this pit.I got back into the Word and started meditating on scripture more than ever, and praying God's promises over my life whenever I felt defeated.
Its not that my circumstances started to change, but my attitude towards them did. My life verse at the time was
James 4:7-8 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
I was reminded that the Lord promised to never leave us nor forsake us- I still had the gift of the Holy Spirit living in me and through this power dwelling in me was going to defeat the enemy and not let him have any victory over me anymore.
Now every time I was stuck on the toilet with nowhere to go- instead of bawling my eyes out pleading with God for his help I turned this time into prayer; giving God thanks for the many blessings that I did have in my life.
I would also lift up others as well to take the focus off myself. so if I told you I was praying for you, believe me I was!!
Potty time became prayer time! I now called the toilet my "Prayer Throne". Lol! If this is where my life was headed, I still was going to use it all to the glory of God.
Doing this, changed my outlook on my circumstances. Even though I couldn't leave my house or be out in the world, enjoying life and serving people. I still was affecting the kingdom of God from my home through prayer.
Later that month, for my birthday, my sister threw me a surprise lunch at Olive Garden with some of our friends and family. It was so sweet of her to organize this for me!
At this lunch, my sister surprised me with an envelope of cash that was donated through a medical fundraiser she set up to help with some of my medical expenses that I couldn't otherwise afford.
I was completely blown away by the generosity of others that they would care enough to give of their finances to help us!
This fundraiser gave me hope to finally be able to afford some things that I've been so desperately needing.
As I'm sure most of you know, medical supplies are very expensive- so I really was prayerful about how I was going to spend the money. so I could make sure I was spending it on the thing I needed the most.
With some of the money, I was able to get some driving lessons using hand controls. I wasn't sure this was gonna be possible for me with the little mobility I had in my left hand.
It was kinda scary at first- it was so strange... Sorta like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. Both your hands doing different things simultaneously. But the more I practiced around my neighborhood the easier it got. I got a glimpse of hope that I could try this.
This was going to be amazing! Still having bladder issues, I knew I wouldn't be traveling far. But at least I would be able to take the kids to and from school! So in September, the controls were installed.
I started driving again and this helped me feel a sense of accomplishment and gave me a renewed hope.
It felt so good to gain a little bit of independence. Day by day I was experiencing small victories. I was able to do a little bit more around the house, feed myself, get dressed by myself, etc. All those daily tasks we do without thinking now were baby steps for me. But any step forward was a HUGE blessing!
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